"LOOSE MONKEYS: Spare Tracks & Lost Demos" has materialized as if by magic (or at least force of will) and a pristine copy sits next to me, shiny and chemical-smelly, sheathed in expensive digi-pak (hate those jewel boxes), straight from the factory. Pert secretaries man the phones in the palatial offices of my own, UpYours records, their pouting lips issuing the talismanic response into the instruments' mouthpieces as they pick up after each fashionably waited forth ring:

"UpYours," they pronounce curtly, with just a hint of toothsome overbite, a subtle undertone of subliminal lickerousness carefully weighted like the nuanced half-English of a master snooker players cue-ball. There is the tiniest suggestion of both a question mark and an exclamation point in their response, but not enough to warrant its application to the printed page.

UpYours. The word rings around this molded chrome and pine prefab perched high in its austere skyscraper eyrie, just outside of Sloatsburg, NY (hauled up by crane, inserted betwixt 12th and 13th floors at great expense. Pretentious, yes, but original).

Similarly accented responses (albeit in different time zones) are being mouthed in Paris, Rome, Liberia (tax dodge, natch. A trick learned from the cruise ship industry), and of course my main offices in Catford, London.

UpYours Records has taken the world by storm (OK, mild drizzle) and is shaking the industry to its very roots. "Loose Monkeys: Spare Tracks And Lost Demos" grasps the matrix by its silicone balls and promises to be a real doozie of a seller -—that is if you bastards don't make tapes of it and send it to each other.

Released exclusively through Razor & Tie's magnificent website (www.razorandtie.com) on March 15, "Loose" finally delivers those weird yet sizzling oddities so many of you, either online or backstage at gigs, have been so curious about. (R&T also have an 800 number (800 443 3355 — Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm eastern time) and an order form on site that you can print out and fax back, giving you choices of payment.

Extensive, novel-length liner notes will be posted on this very site in 2 formats: 1) the usual grungy old computer look, and 2) a smart downloadable job that you can access with Adobe Acrobat. This thing will be folded like an album insert. Fancy-shmansie stuff for those of you who just have to have it all.

Also, I'm doing some big-ass live chat online yakking through Rolling Stone's site (www.rollingstone.com) on Tuesday, March 16th at 8pm eastern. This engagement was slated for the 15th, but an indoor soccer tournament is scheduled for that evening and not wishing to miss this fine example of man-sweaty testosterone expenditure, I managed to change the online chat to the 16th. My legs will be throbbing, but my brain, due to the plenitude of oxygen infused the previous evening into its slowly rotting folds, will be sharp as a tack.

So get on it and ask those intelligent questions that only a punkhart.com veteran could think of.

Also, scads of solo gig offers are coming in for the month of May, and some even in June. (Don't ask me.....wait.) Stay tuned.